These past two weeks have been pretty stressful for all of us. Midterms ... and some of us who unavoidably caught a lovely seasonal cold *cough*, *cough*. So, I thought we could all use a little laugh ... and what equates laughter better than my stupidity? Plenty of things. But, here's a little something I wrote a while back for you to sink your teeth into and hopefully give you a chuckle.
I was inspired by a Facebook group entitled "The first time I had a McFlurry, I thought the spoon was also a straw". Memories of other idiotic instances began to pour into my stream of thought, so here we have it:
I can be pretty stupid sometimes.
The McFlurry spoon is not a straw.
First of all, when McFlurries arrived on the scene, I was much younger. Yes, I'm setting the premise with "ignorance". Alright, here we go..
I remember ordering the M&M McFlurry for the first time and being absolutely thrilled with the idea. My mom placed the cup in my hands and I was stunned by the aesthetically pleasing, futuristic straw. "This opening is square, and rather large," I thought, "I'll be able to drink this quickly! Who cares about brain freeze!" After placing my lips upon the opening, I began devouring copious amounts of nothing. Veins popped, my face turned blue, and then I finally decided it was time to investigate.
After lifting the straw out of the container, I noticed a huge glob of ice cream formed at the bottom, "Man, this must be clogged with an M&M!" (I literally thought that.) Finally, I licked away the ice cream to discover, "Oh this is also a SPOON! COOL!" Because I made this discovery, I began to applaud McDonalds and their genius invention. A spoon and a straw - much better than the itty-bitty ICEE spoon/straw. Folks, I went back for a second try at the straw function before I glanced down into the straw and saw a plastic barrier blocking the airway.
Newsflash: the McFlurry must be eaten with a spoon. There is no straw.
There is no such thing as ROLL ON shampoo.
Roll on shampoo is something my mind invented when I discovered a brand new bottle of Garnier Fructis shampoo in the shower (as per my sister's request). What's hers is mine, right? I was tired of Pert and Loreal for Kids, so I decided to bust out the Garnier and hope my sister didn't get close enough to smell the glorious scent upon my thick head of hair. Opening something in the shower, with the water running is never a good idea. The bottle didn't want to open. I knocked it against the tile, the faucet, the tub, and ultimately decided this was no ordinary bottle of shampoo - it had an innovative, half-sphere design on the lid. You'll notice a theme: when anything looks unordinary, I automatically assume it's designed for different use. "By golly! This must be ROLL ON shampoo. How intelligent! I bet this conserves the amount of shampoo you use. Eco-friendly!" No, it never stops with my bright ideas, I must always test the theory. As if rubbing it on the palm of my hand wasn't enough, I had to rub it also on my scalp (why? Well, maybe it was activated by hair follicles.)
Fact: Garnier Fructis shampoo opens like a normal shampoo lid. The half-sphere does not roll out the product, it is simply there to look chic.
Two pronged headphones are not mutants.
On a flight from Houston to Newark, I realized I had a lot of time to kill. Reading was impossible, sleeping was out of the question ... what to do? "I know! I'll pay $6 to watch Turner Classic Movies on the head rest in front of me!" The flight attendant kindly offered a set of headphones for accommodation. I removed the headphones from the plastic bag and noticed something completely strange: the audio jack (whatever you want to call it) had two prongs to plug in. Well, the only hole I could find was on my arm rest, and it was a lone hole - my headphones couldn't possibly fit there! In a panic of claustrophobia (and fear of looking like an idiot.. ha. ha.), I began sticking the two pronged mutant into any slot I could find. When that didn't work, I started yanking on the screen to uncover a hidden place to insert my headphones for inflight viewing pleasure. Eventually, my mom started pitching in by forcibly shoving the prongs into the same places I had previously. Thankfully the guy next to us noticed our struggle and I was finally able to watch "My Sister Eileen" (which was half way over by the time I plugged in my headphones).
Guess what?: The two pronged part can be removed and morphed into a single insert.
So, product companies .. STOP MAKING MY LIFE DIFFICULT. I OVER THINK EVERYTHING. STICK TO THE BASIC DESIGNS. I WILL CONTINUE TO BUY YOU.
ROFLOL! Literally!
All I could picture was your turning blue like Eddie Murphy did on Daddy DayCare when he was making the elephant noise for his son while reading him a bedtime story LOL. Too funny. Thanks for the chuckle!
That was hilarious!
such entertaining posts! who'd a thunk shampoo and an audio jack could engross us so? but, they did. i was smiling all the way through. kudos on your style, english lit works!
Very good read, and quite funny too. I nearly had the same experience when I first saw a bottle of that shampoo.